‘’If you refuse to put yourself first for long enough, eventually, the universe will make you do it.’’

This essay was written a few days ago, and I have sat on it since, hmm-ing and haa-ing about if I wanted to publish it. I'm biting the bullet. Here it is.

Hi guys. I am going through a breakup right now. And when I say right now, I mean literally as of 12 hours ago. All the reasons why this is happening are totally fair, but fuck me this HURTS.

Break-ups due to circumstances like a 5-hour time difference and 3000 miles and no plan for either person moving continent (again) rather than somebody genuinely fucking up - are a real toss-up. On the one hand, I am so happy that we will remain friends, as we started out that way and I really can’t imagine not having the utmost respect and love for him. He’s a cool person who is doing cool things and I want to remain in the loop about said cool things, and I know he feels the same way about me. 

On the other hand, it’s really hard to process your grief when you skip denial and anger entirely, and go straight to bargaining.

Maybe we will get back together in 5 years, when we are both more settled. Maybe things will work out, and we will end up living in the same place again (or at least the same time zone). Shit, maybe we’ll reconnect at 50 after one of us gets divorced. But all of that - is pie-in-the-sky right now. What’s real right now is that the person I love most in the world is thousands of miles away as our relationship breaks down. We can’t hug, or have a last kiss, or even look each other in the eye. It’s all texts and calls and tears.

It’s been six months and four days since we’ve been in the same room. He’s going to have to mail me back my clothes I left in the US at his mom’s house for my next visit. I’m going to have to take down the countless photos of us in my room. I don’t want this to be happening. 

Every horoscope, tarot reading, and tiktok witch has been telling me for months now that big change is coming into my life, and things will get left behind. I was just really hoping and praying that this relationship wouldn’t be one of them. Maybe it seems silly to those older, to think that I’d found the one at 23, but I really think I did. 

What I do know though is that these last 2 years and 8 months have been some of the best fucking times of my life so far. I wouldn't trade that for the world, even with all the pain I am feeling right now. The day I met him I knew I wanted him in my life, as a friend or something more. That hasn’t changed. I refuse to lose somebody who I click with so well and I feel so fucking lucky that he feels the same. Sometimes people come into your life and you’re not sure what role they are to play, or sometimes their role changes as time goes by. This is - for better or for worse - one of those instances. 

As heartbroken as I am, there is such comfort in knowing this isn’t one of those times where you lose a lover and a best friend all in one fell swoop. It will take time, probably a lot of it, but I know one day we will be able to catch up, share inside jokes and hug. When you’re the exact same height, it makes for the perfect hugs. (5’9 gang, make some noise!). 

I know I gave this relationship everything I have. I tried so fucking hard. But not everybody is able for long distance relationships the way I am. I’m a pretty adaptable person, and although it was hard I made it work. And nothing can change that. I did what I always do, I gave it my best shot. And nothing can take that away from me. 

Going back to those tarot readings, they’ve all been saying I need to put myself first. I have never done that, I have always made my life plans around loved ones. My sister, my friends, my relationships. I guess this breakup really is the universe bonking me on the head and saying ‘’PUT YOURSELF FIRST’’. I don’t know what I want, nor do I really give a fuck about myself. I have always felt like my purpose is to love and be loved. And I know that I do it well. I’m really fucking good at sharing love. And maybe it’s time to direct some of that inwards.

I don’t want to do it.

I want to throw some shit in a bag, hop on a plane, magically get a US visa and make this work. But unfortunately, I am not living in a romcom. I am living in the horrifying late-stage capitalism reality we all currently share, where visas are increasingly hard to get, especially for places like the US. I guess I sort of just thought it would all work out eventually. I feel naïve now, but I am also so proud of my hopeful-yet-pragmatic nature. It makes life easier when you are hoping for the best (and planning for the worst).

Well, I’ve made myself cry again. I’ll leave it there. If you are going through a breakup right now my heart goes out to you. You will be okay. Because I know I will be okay. Not today, or tomorrow or next week, but eventually. And that is the hope that keeps me going. 

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Epilogue:

It’s been 36 hours or so, and I am emotionally in a completely different place every minute. My dear friend/platonic life partner Eimear made an excellent point on one of the several 3-hour facetime calls we have had over the last 2 days, and it was this ‘’Every relationship I see you in, you are happier’’ and they are SO right. Every time I fall in love, I fall a little more in love with myself, too. 

As I edit this essay, I am reminded that I am 26, but also 23, and 19, 18, and 16. Every break-up I experience, I am kinder and more caring to myself. Every relationship I am in, I am happier, more honest and more true to myself in what I ask for. Every year, I grow into the most confident, most authentic version of myself.

And if things do work out in a couple years, and that new version of him falls back in love with this new version of me, that would be SO fucking great. But even if that doesn’t happen, I’ll be okay.

I have been quoting a certain vine non-stop over the last couple days, and this is it ‘’I’m a bad bitch. You can’t kill me’. 

And you know what? I AM a bad bitch, and - this will not kill me. 

Lots of love to you all (lord knows I have plenty to give).

Kerry Xx

Media Recommendations for my heartbroken people:

The Weight of it all - Binchtopia Podcast

https://www.wellandgood.com/allison-raskin-fiance-closure-essay/ - Allison Raskin

Radical Acceptance - Tara Brach

When Things Fall Apart - Pema Chodron