The Fig Tree

How do I choose who to be when I don't know who I am?

Oct 09, 2024

I have a complicated relationship to the works of Sylvia Plath which stem from childhood that I do not feel like discussing today.

So instead, I will tell you about the fig tree.

This motherfucking fig tree.

‘‘I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

-Sylvia Plath

I am currently sitting at the crotch of my own godforsaken fig tree, and I cannot stand it. In my late teens/early twenties used to be deeply unhappy and I felt fine blamning all my problems on that. On untreated depression, on toxic relationships, on rejections and self-harm and my own general uselessness. But it wasn’t my fault, because I was SAD.

But now I am happy and healthy and generally okay most days (Thank you, medication).

HOWEVER -

A showstopping multimedia career has still not materialised out of thin air, even now that I’ve bettered myself.

What the fuck, like?

Do I throw all my eggs in one basket and quit my day job and go back to college for teaching and become an english teacher? I don’t want to do that, but maybe it’s smarter to be safe. Even though I don’t exactly have the funds to do that, but I digress.

Do I keep working my day job that I have had since college, while podcasting and writing and selling vintage clothes on the side? I could, but the very idea of staying stuck exactly where I am - even typing that - makes me feel nauseous.

Do I upskill, take a class, learn to code, have a baby, write a novel, move to Europe, sell an organ, have a breakdown, or give up on the arts entirely? I don’t know.

I want to write, I want to spread joy, I want to make people feel seen and heard, I want to be an activist, I want a PhD in Classics, I never want to be percieved again.

I want to be a mermaid, I want to start a business, I want to take a nap.

I would like to point out that being a mermaid is a real job - in aquariums and as part of underwater shows in casinos. Maybe I should work on my lung capacity first though.

Kerry's Substack

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