This Is It ( ROPES, 2019)
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A few prerequisite disclaimers - No, this isn't based in reality. If you spot a typo, don't tell me, it's already been published. Yes, it’s supposed to be satirical. Finally, I wrote this when I was twenty-one, so be kind. Enjoy <3
Published by ROPES, 2019.
THIS IS IT
DAY 1195
So, this is it. Words spoken in lowercase letters, nails digging half-moon wounds in clenched-up palms, melting Maybelline mascara. A breakup after years of love, hard work, life experiences. Three years you’ll never get back. He stares at you as you talk, and your resolve hardens. Enough of this. You’d been promised the world, you’d hoped for happiness, he gave you nothing but pain. You tap on the table top as you speak. It wasn’t always like this, was it? You can barely remember anymore, what it was like when you’d just met. Infatuation is one hell of a drug. Regardless, he hasn’t made you happy in a very long while, and you roll your eyes when he says that he can change. You know that isn’t true. You walk out of the café holding everything back, clutching your handbag so hard your fingers tremble. As soon as you turn the corner you collapse into a puddle of heartbreak, knowing that you did what was for the best but wondering why it must hurt so much.
DAY 1100
This is the worst day of your life. Seven years of bliss. Cohabitation. Mutual respect. Cuddles. You can’t believe that Mittens is gone. You thought he’d live forever, in your heart of hearts. You sob quietly as your Dad digs a small plot in the garden of your childhood home. Your best friend grips your hand as you shake. She’s holding back the rage that you’re too upset to feel. What kind of a boyfriend skips out on his girlfriend when she’s stricken with grief? What kind of a boyfriend puts an afternoon of golf for a stag do above comforting the woman he loves in her hour of need? Six months ago, you’d have given him piece or five of your mind, but you’re tired. So very tired. The cold rain begins to hit your skin, turning your parka a few shades darker and you almost smile. Thank you, Mittens, you think. You hope the golf course floods.
DAY 947
A family wedding, with your charming boyfriend as your date seemed like the absolute dream when you were in college. Now though, you know differently. You know what he is like at an open bar. Yes, everyone’s plastered so it’s not exactly like he’s making a scene but that hasn’t stopped you from going back to your room early after dodging his Heineken scented kisses. You don’t need to see him stumbling around and dancing, barely able to keep upright. It’s just part of the package, you think to yourself. Everyone’s spouse makes them cringe at times. You don’t spare a thought for your poor father, right up there with your mother dancing. He’s less than comfortable too, but that doesn’t stop him from allowing her to drag him up to dance. He endures the cringe and has done so quite willingly for the last 27 years.
DAY 600
He’s forgotten to feed the cat again before going out and you’re raging. It’s not like he would ever be at much else apart from showering and sticking a bit of gel in his hair before he goes out, like. If it was up to him, he’d have the cat out the door in a second, but the fucking cat was with you before he was, and probably will be after, you think to yourself bitterly, then catch yourself on. It’s a bad day, not a bad life. You pet Mittens on the head and sigh. Another impromptu night out, the third one this month. Funny how when you head out with the gals, you’re neglecting him, but when he heads out on the piss with the lads, only to come home drunk and belligerent, it’s just his way.
DAY 450
He's out with you and your work friends and you’re vaguely worried that he’ll drink a little too much, but you air your worries to him, and he says that he’ll play designated driver for the evening. You’re relieved, because you’re sure that nothing would have happened but it’s still nice that you get to enjoy an evening with the girls without worrying that he’ll start a political argument with one of your male colleagues. You’d never say it out loud but he’s kind of mad for the pissing contest type debates that fuel so many men. Thank God it only comes out when he’s drunk. You couldn’t handle that sober.
DAY 399
You’re in Paris for a city break and you have never felt so alive. He surprised you with plane tickets, having already sorted out your work rota with the girls. You were off this weekend anyways, and Lisa said she’d cover your Monday. What a man! You worry that he might have notions of proposing, and it’s still early yet, even though you and the girls have already decided that he’s the one. He takes you out for a fancy meal and you’re bricking it. Then he asks you to move in with him and you scream YES, and all is well. He kisses you triumphantly and tastes of wine. You’ve never lived with a boyfriend before, and you’re already picturing the His and Hers towels you’ll order on Amazon.
DAY 365
A full year with the fella, your friends remark at lunch as you smile. Jesus, sure aren’t we getting old, you reply. You’re honestly amazed but kind of elated too. You have the anniversary plans all mapped out, and you lay out all your plans in detail for the girls. When he gets home from work tonight and calls over to yours, you shall be waiting in the red dress you know he likes. Out to dinner you’ll head, and it’ll be the perfect evening to mark a year in love with your soulmate. It’ll be perfect. A year of love. You haven’t had a relationship this long since you were a teenager, and honestly the pickings were slim back then.
DAY 157
He’s about to take you on your first weekend away as a couple. It’s so exciting, you have no idea where you’re headed, although you know it’s somewhere in Ireland. He gets on the road to Cork, and you put two and two together. He’s taking you to Fota Wildlife Park! You had said (on maybe Date 3?) that you’d ALWAYS wanted to go there, but you’d never had anyone to drive you down! He laughs and say jokingly that you’ve ruined the surprise but yes, you’re right. You squeal and want to jump for joy, because you’ve never seen a giraffe in real life.
DAY 99
Every morning you wake up with a text ‘Good Morning Beautiful’ and it makes your heart sing. After three months of ‘courting’, you’ve become official and to be honest he was acting like your boyfriend long before you two finally slapped a label on it. The left side of your bed had long been marked as his territory by Paco Rabanne. Your housemates ask if you’d been secretly together for ages, because it sure seems like it! He’s an angel, bringing you ice-cream when you’re sad, watching the soaps, getting you a birthday present even though you’d only know each other like a month, cooking dinner for you on the regular. You never knew a guy could treat you so well.
DAY 29
You swipe on a fresh coat of lipstick, just in the door from work and already hurrying back out the door to see him. Three dates, practically one every week since you’d met in that bar on Shop St. You had been in foul form that evening, just after a phone call with your sister that had ended in a shouting match. He’d seen you looking grimly at your half-drunk pint and sauntered over to ask if you wanted a change of scenery. Before you knew it, you were sitting in Eyre Square chatting about God knows what until God knows when. The wee hours of the morning brought a chill to the air, and he gave you his jacket. He seemed like a great guy. You hope your gut feeling is right this time. As you walk out the door, you remember that you have to feed the cat, and double back for a quick second. On your way back out, you catch your own eye in the mirror. You look at yourself and smile broadly, your blood-red grin bold and unabashed. You can feel it. This is him. This is it.